


Earnest Love

by jellyfishfics



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: A Panic Attack, Asexual Character, Asexual Viktor Nikiforov, Demisexual Character, Demisexual Katsuki Yuuri, I spell Viktor with a k, M/M, Mention of previous one night stands, a bit of a relationship study, because they are a healthy couple, botched foreplay, but no graphic descriptions of sex, but they work through it, some introspection, they have healthy communication, warnings for:
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-02
Updated: 2017-01-02
Packaged: 2018-09-14 04:33:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9162202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jellyfishfics/pseuds/jellyfishfics
Summary: When they live together in St. Petersburg, Viktor opens up and Yuuri meets him where he is.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Happy New Year friends!!!!! We made it!
> 
>  
> 
> Anyway, to ring in the new year, it is I, your local ace jellyfish trash bag, here to spread the good word of asexual Viktor to you all. Please enjoy.
> 
> Thanks always to [Ingrid](http://archiveofourown.org/users/ingthing) and [Cece](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hellocecily/pseuds/hellocecily) for betaing my fic! Please take care of me this year as well! ♥

“Viktor…I want us to sleep together.”

Yuuri had said this while Viktor was folding newly washed sheets, lifting his arms up, watching the fabric billow out and fall flat. The action spread the light fragrance of their dryer sheets around them and Viktor inhaled the soft lavender.

“What do you think?” Yuuri asked, breathless and careful.

Viktor turned to look at Yuuri over his shoulder, a smile already carving itself into place. Yuuri and Viktor had shared a bed many times; never in Hasetsu, but after Yuuri won silver in the China Cup and they shared their first kiss, they collapsed in a tired heap together on the nearest bed. During the Rostelecom Cup, before Viktor’s night flight, he decided to take a short nap after finishing packing, and Yuuri crawled next to him, curled up against his back when he thought Viktor was already asleep. And in Barcelona, just before the GPF, when Yuuri had proposed and Viktor felt like the world could really be theirs, the first thing Yuuri did as soon as they got back to their hotel room was push the two beds together. They ended up squeezing into one bed anyway, Yuuri pressed back against Viktor’s body, Viktor wrapped tight and clingy around Yuuri.

Now they were together in St. Petersburg, and the first night that Yuuri had landed, Yuuri insisted on sleeping on the couch, shaking from nerves, visibly overwhelmed by sharing a permanent space alone with Viktor. Later on, sometime in the early hours of the morning, Viktor felt a body lie down before him, and he blearily opened his eyes expecting Makkachin’s dense fur. Viktor’s fingers carded through smooth black hair, and he met Yuuri’s shy smile with wide eyes.

“This is ok, right Viktor?” Yuuri had asked in a quiet whisper, wearing the same blush, the same nervous expression that reminded Viktor or a bird desperately beating against its cage, that he was wearing now. Viktor was the gentle, guiding hand that let the bird fly free.

“Sure, Yuuri,” Viktor said, and then starting folding the sheet into a small, manageable square. “Sounds good to me. When would you like to?”

That night had been two weeks ago, and since then, Viktor could always find Yuuri snoring into the pillow next to his whenever he woke up. So Viktor knew Yuuri wasn’t asking to share a bed anymore, Yuuri was asking for sex.

“I uh, tonight? If you want? Do you have…?” Yuuri casted a glance towards Viktor’s night stand.

Viktor followed his gaze, smile still set in perfect place. The only things Viktor had in that drawer there were a matchbox for his scented candles, a book he hasn’t managed to finish in over a year, spare keys for every door, and a knife, because of the stalker scare he had when he just debuted in the senior division.

“No, but we can head to a convenience store and pick some stuff up.”

Viktor had a decent amount of one night stands in his time. They started popping up as soon as he turned of age: fanatic groupies who camped outside his hotel room in wait for him to arrive, forward men at after parties snaking an arm around his waist before reaching down to cup and squeeze his ass appraisingly.

They were all prepared, condoms stuffed in pockets, lube hidden in purses; though Viktor never was. He never felt ready for these encounters when they arose, but Viktor would die before disappointing his audience. Even an uncomfortable audience of one.

Because his more opportunistic fans always had something up their sleeves for him, Viktor had never actually shopped for ‘supplies.’ So he stood next to a choked up Yuuri in the ‘couples pleasure’ aisle of the nearest convenience store, increasingly aware of the child standing just before the aisle, staring at them while picking her nose.

Yuuri grabbed Viktor’s arm and sent him a frantic look, so Viktor scanned the shelves for something remotely familiar. He settled on a white bottle that might have been in the hands of one of his fans years ago in Switzerland. He had been visiting Chris, but was cornered by the fan literally pressing all of her weight into his body, whispering hotly in his ear of things Viktor didn’t care to catch because he was going to be late to Chris’ birthday party, and the fastest way to deal with her was through a quickie and send her on her way.

Yuuri was hunched and squinting at a box of condoms, so Viktor grabbed the box and gave Yuuri a quick wink. As they made their way to the cash register, Viktor read the box to see that they were ribbed condoms. The last overenthusiastic fan to use ribbed condoms on him also made him bleed, and Viktor got lectured by Yakov the next morning when he couldn’t skate, let alone walk straight.

When they returned home, Yuuri’s hand shook as he inserted the key into the lock, shook as he struggled to work the door open, shook as the bag fell out of his hand, and the bottle of lube rolled away from them across the hardwood. Yuuri scrambled to fetch it before Makkachin could inspect it.

Viktor picked up the bag and plucked the bottle of lube out of Yuuri’s sweaty grasp, telling Yuuri to relax while he finished folding their laundry.

Yuuri drifted into the bedroom when the sun began to set, as Viktor finished folding all the laundry with a pair of Yuuri’s track pants. Yuuri’s gaze flitted to where the box of condoms and lube stood together on top of the nightstand, and he jolted.

Viktor smiled at Yuuri to placate him, and patted a stack of folded clothes on the bed. Viktor picked up a stack of his own clothes and moved to put them away in their dresser’s drawers. Yuuri took the hint and joined him. After all their clothes had been put neatly away, Viktor stripped the bed and Yuuri helped him put the clean sheets on the mattress. Once they were finished, Viktor flopped onto the bed and rolled around, trying to steal the last hints of lavender fragrance still clinging to the fabric.

“V-Viktor,” Yuuri said, reaching a hand out onto Viktor’s hip to still him. Viktor blinked up at Yuuri. “I…is it time?”

Viktor smiled again. His cheeks were starting to hurt. “Do you want it to be?”

The sun had bled its last bit of light into the sky for the day, and now the stars were starting to slowly peek out.

Yuuri gulped audibly. Then he gave Viktor a sure nod. “Yes, I think I’m ready.”

“Ok,” Viktor said and sat up. He rested his forehead against Yuuri’s and gave him an eskimo kiss.

Yuuri blushed and leaned back, but he kept his hands anchored on Viktor’s shoulders. “I know we’ve been waiting on me…” Yuuri continued. “And I’m happy you’ve been so patient with me. You’ve given me so much Viktor, and emotionally, I think I’m ready for our relationship to be more physical. I want to give back to you.” Yuuri paused to close his eyes and take a deep breath. When he opened them, he pinned Viktor down with the intensity of his stare. “I want to do all the work and take care of you. Will you let me?”

Viktor stared back at Yuuri, smile falling away. Viktor wouldn’t mind, really. In fact, he was used to it; the fans he slept with had everything prepared, they did whatever they wanted with him, and then they left. If Yuuri wanted the same, Viktor held no objections to it.

“Yuuri, do you know what to do?” Viktor asked him, hands reaching to hold Yuuri’s hips.

Yuuri turned red all the way to his ears. “I-I’ve been reading up! Articles! And I…I watched a few videos…”

“Oh~?” Viktor inquired. He squeezed Yuuri’s hips in his hands until Yuuri squirmed and blushed more. “Has my Yuuri been watching porn? Without me?”

“It was just to get an idea!” Yuuri protested. “Not because I wanted to pleasure myself or anything.” If Yuuri turned any redder Viktor would believe he was engaged to a tomato.

“Really?” Viktor teased.

Yuuri frowned, moving a hand to grip Viktor under his chin and tilt his head up. Yuuri kissed Viktor deep while Viktor was off guard, swallowing Viktor’s gasp of surprise.

“I mean it,” Yuuri said with a slight furrow of his brow as he broke their kiss apart. “I only need you, and now you’ll only need me too.”

“Wow,” Viktor sighed, lips slick with spit and cheeks pink.

Yuuri hugged Viktor’s head close, until Viktor’s ear rested against Yuuri’s chest. His heart fluttered like a bird longing for open air.

“I love you Viktor,” Yuuri said, and Viktor felt the words vibrate through Yuuri’s chest. “Let’s make ourselves more comfortable?”

“Alright,” Viktor agreed, kneeling on the bed to move easier. He pecked a kiss to Yuuri’s lips before Yuuri went to close the bedroom door. As Yuuri made his way back to the bed, Viktor settled himself back on the pillows.

Yuuri climbed over Viktor, and Viktor parted his legs enough for Yuuri to fit himself between them.

“I’m going to start,” Yuuri told Viktor.

Viktor smiled back. “Go right ahead.”

Yuuri pulled another kiss from Viktor’s lips, and started moving his hands up and down Viktor’s sides. Viktor moved his face away to giggle. Yuuri’s light touches tickled.

Yuuri pouted at Viktor but Viktor just giggled more. Yuuri snagged the hem of Viktor’s shirt in retaliation and pushed it up until it was bunched up under Viktor’s arms.

Viktor’s giggles died in his throat when Yuuri started to pinch his nipples. They were sensitive, and Viktor wiggled to get less sensation. While the feeling wasn’t unpleasant, it felt…off. For some reason, Viktor found he didn’t like it.

“Yuuri,” Viktor called out. “That’s enough.”

“Huh? You don’t want me to…?” Yuuri asked, leaning down, poised to take a nipple into his mouth.

“Not really,” Viktor admitted.

Yuuri’s face went blank. “Oh. Um, ok then. I’ll just.” He floundered for a second. “I’ll just move on?”

Viktor kissed the corner of Yuuri’s mouth. “If you want to.”

Yuuri wet his lips pressed a kiss to the center of Viktor’s chest, starting to trail his kisses down. Yuuri’s hands skating along Viktor’s ribs again, and Viktor bit his lip to keep himself from giggling again. But Yuuri glanced up and interpreted Viktor’s face to express want.

Viktor felt Yuuri start to yank at his pants, and he began to feel something curl and pool in his gut. Rather than desire, Viktor had dread gnawing at his stomach. Something wasn’t right. Viktor wasn’t feeling what he should be feeling.

“Y-Yuuri,” Viktor pleaded, hands falling over Yuuri’s to stop them.

Yuuri’s head perked up, but the light glinting off his glasses made his expression unreadable.

“Oh, right,” Yuuri murmured. He reached over to the night stand and picked up the bottle of lube. Viktor could feel Yuuri’s half hard erection brush against his thigh as Yuuri moved. “We need this, right?”

Viktor wished he had a voice for all this unease that had been needling his mind all day, this unease that finally left his head to clear his thoughts, but wormed its way into his heart, and made his heart beat too fast like a hummingbird caught in a trap, darting against walls it hadn’t known were set up until it was stuck.

Instead, Viktor’s mouth felt stuffed up with the feathers his hummingbird heart was molting in distress.

“Viktor,” Yuuri breathed, sucking a kiss into Viktor’s neck and fingering the downy hair of Viktor’s happy trail.

Viktor wriggled with discomfort.

Yuuri’s hand slid lower to cup Viktor through his sweatpants and Viktor froze. When Yuuri gave a squeeze, Viktor shoved Yuuri away without thinking.

The bottle of lube slipped out of Yuuri’s hand and clattered to the floor. The noise continued to ring in Viktor’s ears.

Yuuri was forced back on his haunches, blinking in shock. “V-Viktor?”

Viktor brought his knees to his chest before rolling off the bed and dashing out of the room, not bothering to shut the door. Viktor raced down the hall, barely registering Yuuri calling after him because Yuuri’s voice sounded like it was traveling through water, fuzzy and faraway. Viktor threw the door to the bathroom open and locked himself inside, pressing his back against the door.

Viktor’s blood felt boiling hot, too warm for his skin to contain, so it all prickled under the surface and made his breath shallow, air coming in ragged gasps. The bathroom felt smaller than it was, and the walls were closing in fast. Viktor was so light-headed the room was starting to spin.

A whine followed by scratching at the door made Viktor yelp and jump away. His dizzy feet barely caught him. It was just Makkachin. Viktor tried to regulate his breathing and heartbeat to no avail.

“Viktor? Please, I just want to talk.” Yuuri knocked at the door and wriggled the locked door handle. Viktor felt his stomach roil. “Are you ok? Say something so I know you’re ok.”

Viktor steadied himself on the sink and glanced at his reflection in to mirror. His face had paled, covered in a light sheen of sweat, and his lip wouldn’t stop quivering. He couldn’t even make out any more details than those, because his eyes were quickly brimming with tears.

The lock turning made Viktor stare back at the door.

“Makkachin, go to your bed. Go,” Viktor heard Yuuri command as the door opened a crack. Viktor could make out Makkachin moving away through the visible space. “Viktor? I’m coming in, ok? I snagged the bathroom key from your night stand. I just want to talk, and I won’t touch you without your permission.”

Yuuri eased the door open and stepped cautiously inside. When Yuuri looked up, Viktor watched Yuuri’s heart break.

“Can I hold your hand?” Yuuri asked softly.

Viktor nodded. Yuuri took Viktor’s limp hand in his, giving it a delicate squeeze. Viktor thought he might flinch again, but feeling Yuuri’s ring press against his skin dispelled some of the pressure that had built up in his chest. It was a little easier to breathe.

“Viktor…while I was by myself, I reflected on what went wrong.” Viktor stiffened, and he wanted so badly to say that none of this was Yuuri’s fault. “All day, you kept saying ‘if you want to.’ And I wanted to, but did you…want to have sex? Right before you pushed me, when I squeezed you, you weren’t hard at all. Did I force myself on you?” Yuuri asked, voice still soft, but also calm and steady.

Viktor bit his lip harshly. Everything felt like a stewed up mess inside of him, and he didn’t want to digest any of it, but for Yuuri, Viktor would swallow any pain.

“I…” Viktor’s voice was scratchy and thick with unshed tears. “I don’t know! I didn’t feel anything. I never did when people slept with me, those fans who were so blinded by my gold that they couldn’t even see me clearly, see that I wasn’t enjoying myself.” Viktor remembered rough hands and lips in darkness that had forced him into full hardness. “But Yuuri…Yuuri, you’re different! So I should have felt something! I love you, so _why did I still feel nothing?”_

Yuuri still met Viktor’s eyes calmly. “Viktor, is it alright for me to hug you?”

“What? I—sure?” Viktor never shied away from physical comfort, especially with Yuuri. He loved kissing and hugging and just being near the ones he loved, which was why the fiasco that went down in the bedroom still baffled him.

Yuuri hugged Viktor close and rubbed soothing circles into his back, letting out a satisfied hum when the tension bled from Viktor’s shoulders.

“Breathe with me ok, Viten’ka? You’re having a panic attack. I need you to breathe slow and deep with me to calm down.”

“Huh? N-No, that’s impossible.” Viktor tried to move away from Yuuri but Yuuri refused to let him go.

“I’m not listening to your argument until you breathe with me,” Yuuri countered. “I’m going to count out breaths and I want you to follow me.”

Viktor said nothing, but he silently went along with Yuuri’s instructions. When Viktor was able to focus on his breathing and block out everything else, he was aware of his blood rushing painfully loud behind his ears. Viktor was still a little wobbly, and his eyes were still wet, but Yuuri kept him grounded and secure.

“Do you feel better?” Yuuri asked after minutes passed and he had stopped counting out. Viktor hadn’t noticed.

“Yeah,” Viktor sighed, moving just enough to see Yuuri’s face.

Yuuri pressed a chaste kiss to Viktor’s lips and pulled away with a smile. “Hey, Viktor? Remember when I told you I was demisexual when we first started dating?”

Viktor remembered. It was the morning after Yuuri won silver at the China cup, the morning after they had first shared a bed together. Viktor had woken up first, but was content to stay in bed beside Yuuri’s warmth. Yuuri had woken up an hour later and freaked out, nearly launched himself off the bed with the sheer power of his anxiety. After Viktor told him that nothing happened past simply sleeping, Yuuri explained that he wasn’t comfortable with the idea of having sex yet, but he might be up to it later, when their romantic relationship was deeper. Viktor had reassured Yuuri with what he thought was acceptance, but now Viktor realized what he had felt could have been relief.

Yuuri rubbed Viktor’s arms and give his biceps a comforting squeeze. “I think you might be somewhere on the asexual spectrum too,” Yuuri continued.

Viktor tilted his head in confusion. “I’ve had sex before though.”

Yuuri laughed. “Viktor, just because you’ve had sex doesn’t mean you’re not asexual. Yeah, there are asexual people who are repulsed with the idea of having sex, but asexuality is defined by not feeling sexual attraction. Asexual people can still experience sex and sexual pleasure through it, they just don’t desire it.”

Viktor blinked, and a stray tear fell from his eye. “Really?”

Yuuri wiped the tear away and kept his hand there to cup Viktor’s cheek. “Really. We can get you checked out on the Kinsey scale later if you want to be absolutely sure, but tell me, did you ever feel lust for the people who slept with you before?”

Viktor nuzzled Yuuri’s hand and sighed. “No. They wanted me, and I was the world’s Viktor Nikiforov, so I let them have me. But I never wanted any of them. I never liked any of those encounters.”

Yuuri stroked Viktor’s cheek. “And tonight, did you feel anything, even a spark of desire, when I was touching you?”

“Yuuri, I love—”

“I know you love me,” Yuuri interjected with a smug smile. “Viten’ka, I know. And I love you too, so very much. But that isn’t what I asked.”

Viktor opened his mouth, closed it, and then worried his bottom lip between his teeth. Finally, he conceded.

“Not particularly.”

Yuuri kissed Viktor sweetly again. “That’s ok. I’m happy you told me, thank you.”

“You’re not mad?” Viktor asked in a tiny voice.

Yuuri snorted. “Of course I’m not. I would be mad if we went through everything and I learned how you felt after.” Viktor’s brows were still knitted together and Yuuri sighed affectionately. “Listen, I don’t have any urges that need satisfying for you to worry about. The way I see sex, it’s just a deeper level of intimacy and communication to have with you, nothing more, nothing less. So if we can’t have it, that’s fine too. All I need is you close to me.”

Viktor melted in Yuuri’s arms. “But you’re not bothered by lacking deeper intimacy with me?”

Yuuri rolled his eyes. “I’d count this experience as pretty intimate, albeit kinda awful. But the whole ‘I’m the only one who gets to see you like this’ principle still stands.” Yuuri smirked as he added, “Besides, I really am the only one who’s gotten your sincere tears like this. Your crying face is too beautiful for me to share with anyone else.”

Viktor pouted to hide a grin. “You’re horrible.” Yuuri laughed and placed a fleeting kiss to the hollow of Viktor’s throat. Viktor rested his head on top of Yuuri’s. “I really do love you.”

“I should hope so,” Yuuri said, pressing himself closer to Viktor. “We’re engaged after all.”

Viktor hummed, wrapping his arms around Yuuri, and Yuuri hugged Viktor tight around his waist.

“Yuuri?” Viktor began. Yuuri grunted in response, not wanting to move at all. “How did you know I was having a panic attack?”

“I knew as soon as I saw your face when I first came in. I’ve had more than enough panic attacks myself to be able to recognize one.”

“Yuuri…”

“It’s alright Viktor. Phichit helped me through panic and anxiety attacks I had in Detroit until I learned how to deal with them myself. I’m happy that I could help you through yours.”

Viktor squeezed Yuuri tighter and pressed a kiss to Yuuri’s forehead. “What on earth did I do to deserve you?”

Yuuri attempted to burrow deeper into Viktor’s embrace. “Doesn’t matter, since you have me. Forever.”

Viktor chuckled. “I like the sound of that. You always know what to say to make me the happiest.”

With Yuuri nestled in his arms, Viktor truly felt better. All his tension had given way to Yuuri’s warmth. It turned out that Yuuri had a touch light enough to set a caged hummingbird free too, and Viktor felt all the panic and anxiety he had all day simply flutter away.

Yuuri needed him. Yuuri didn’t want Viktor in bed for a trophy fuck, Yuuri needed Viktor that close to him. And even without sex, Yuuri still cared about Viktor. Viktor didn’t have to pretend to enjoy himself, mask grimaces with sharp smiles, mask winces as shivers of pleasure. Viktor could say no, and Yuuri wouldn’t leave him. Viktor could say no, and Yuuri would still love him just as much as he always did. Viktor could be himself, and Yuuri would love him all the more.

No matter what, _Yuuri needed him,_ and it made Viktor purr with satisfaction.

After a few more minutes caught up in each other, Yuuri disentangled himself from Viktor. “We can’t stay in the bathroom all night. Why don’t we head to bed Viten’ka?”

Viktor took Yuuri’s hand in his, and let Yuuri lead him back to their bedroom. Yuuri tucked Viktor into the middle of the bed and then spooned behind him. Makkachin walked in, and placed his snout on the edge of the bed. Viktor patted the empty space in front of him and Yuuri’s arms curled around him. Makkachin happily hopped up onto the bed, and Viktor welcomed his love in slobbery licks to the face. Once Makkachin was settled, Yuuri shut the lamp off on the night stand.

Viktor took a deep inhale and got a nose full of lavender fragrance. Yuuri pressed a kiss to the nape of his neck and murmured what Viktor knew to be an endearment in Japanese. Viktor slept peacefully with a smile all through the night.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope all of you had fun reading this fic because I had tons of fun writing it!
> 
> Feel free to hmu [@tumblr](http://jellyfishfics.tumblr.com/) and [@twitter](https://twitter.com/jellyfishquips)
> 
>  
> 
> What happened to the unused box of condoms you ask?  
> 1) Viktor and Yuuri used them as slippery water balloons (thanks [Rei](https://twitter.com/reipxt))  
> 2) Viktor, who had forgotten to buy balloons for Yurio's surprise party, found the half-empty old box and had no other option
> 
> If you enjoyed, please leave a kudos and comment!


End file.
